Birthdays Come But Once a Year

Today is my 23rd birthday.

I feel like I should feel like an old maid because I'm not yet married, but I really don't. I guess all the pressure everyone gives to "Get married already!" hasn't really worked. Which is a good thing. I know had I tied the knot at age 18 or 19 (which is the common Utah Mormon girl thing to do apparently) I would probably be divorced, with two kids. I had no idea what I wanted out of life or even who I was at 18. I dated guys for the wrong reasons (because they were cute, or because dating them was exciting), and getting married to any one of them back then would have been a huge mistake. As my aunt Wendy said, marrying so young is "complete idiocy."

I am honestly not even the same person I was five years ago. I know that sounds like a huge cliche, but it is true. I've become a little more steady, emotionally. I've learned to give people a chance before discarding them right away based on some insignificant detail. I actually didn't learn that, but it just built itself into me, like something that creeps into you as you get older. A lot of things built themselves into me without me realizing it. It's a little unnerving to gradually feel yourself mature. Now, I've had these "I'm mature!" moments when I was younger such as learning to drive or staying out past curfew because I felt I had the right to. I think those were more of desperate teenage attempts at independence rather than maturity. This mature feeling is something different though. I just feel different. My goals and priorities have changed. The ways I spend my time have changed. School has become more important. Graduation is so near it's scary.

In a way, becoming more mature actually means giving up my childhood dreams and settling down into a pool of reality when I realize, Yes- I have to get a job to survive and money is something I will be working for for the rest of my life. Paying bills becomes more important than traveling the countries and having a monotonous office job is more important than writing best-selling, award-winning "The Next Great American Novel" novels. Because paying bills and having a steady but wildly boring and unfulfilling job are necessary, and important apparently. And it kind of sucks to know I must give up my dreams. There comes a point when I must get married, have children, and do everything in my power to sacrifice of myself so that my kids can work towards dreams that they too will give up. I'm sorry to be pessimistic, but that generally happens on birthdays (and not just mine either because I see it happen all the time to other people).

On a more positive note, because I didn't leap into marriage at a tender age, I've been able to do so many things that I would never had the chance to otherwise, like live with my best friends for several years, graduate college (in a few months), go on two road trips (California and Las Vegas/Southern Utah), and other smaller things that still had a big impact on who I am. I may not have fulfilled my life dreams, but I would not take back these five years for anything, including a round-the-globe plane ticket or a secure spot on the New York Times Best-Sellers List.

My mom always encouraged us to do things we wanted before rushing into marriage. She told us to live out our dreams a little because once you are married, you may never get the chance to do them again. I think my sister and I took her words to heart, and perhaps she may regret saying them, because she now has two of-marrying-age, unmarried daughters. She's mentioned she's worried we will never get married.

I've always known I will get married, but I was never one to follow the herd. So I waited to get married. And I don't regret it. I may not have gotten married or given birth to the average 2.3 children, but I've met incomparably amazing people and had some irreplaceably good times. And screw anyone who says a woman's worth depends only on the fact that she is married and has children. If anything, the fact that I've waited to get married and have children have given me experiences that will make me a better mother, wife, and person.

I'm dating a man named Steve who is so good to me (better than any man I've ever dated has been), and I would be a fool to give him up. And the funny thing is, he would not put up a red flag in his mind about me because I wrote this blog. If anything, he would find it entertaining, and that's the difference between him and anyone else I've ever dated. He accepts my random, sometimes inappropriate opinions without judging me. That's so rare.

OK, I will end this tirade now. But one last statistic I heard from my sister, which may or may not be true: 98% of all teenage marriages end in divorce.