In other news, I got a church calling last week. I will be playing the piano for the good-hearted doily-making sisters in my ward. What an interesting calling, and so perfect for me right now. It will force me to play the piano more, which I love, and it will also force me to go to Relief Society, which I don't love as much. I know, I know. Just not my favorite meeting but hopefully this calling and forced attendance can flip my attitude around.
Although my attitude about going to Relief Society is somewhat lax, my attitude about the church is not, but it has taken some time in getting there. My spiritual struggles have been more public than most people's, obviously. But it is the consequences of choices made, and I do not run from responsibility for one's actions. To get back to where I am now has taken a long time but I was the one who made it so. I have taken things slow, knowing that change does not come immediately and that such large wrong choices take a lot of time to become large right choices. It's about the baby steps, like Bob says.
I still have some things to work out, namely learning to forgive myself and learning to overcome some very strong feelings of animosity. I am not a hater, but I can honestly say that for the first time this past year, I've felt the raw, heavy feeling of hate. It is excruciating and awful, and is probably the emotional equivalent of a knife being rotated around in the guts, of "eating you up inside." I cannot think of a more sickening thing than to feel hate. The best part is (and by best, I mean worst), it only damages me. Doesn't do a thing to those I feel it toward. And quicker than anything else, it drives me farther away from where I want to be. The spirit of peace doesn't reside with those who hate others and refuse to grant forgiveness. So, that ugly thing is what I've been leaning to let go of, get rid of, move on from, etc., etc., etc. It's very possible it's the hardest thing I've ever done, and took (or is taking) longer than imagined. I have an inkling it's not over yet, unfortunately. I think the Lord wisely gives us the years and years that make up a lifetime, specifically in order to learn how to deal with the heavier things like this. Some things take a lifetime to learn. But therein lies the tricky part. If we dwell on certain things too long, we've wasted much time which we will never get back.
I've been meeting with the bishop for a long time, and last week when he said the words, "We'd like to extend to you a calling..." I think I literally stopped breathing for a minute, and felt tears tickle up in my throat. I was surprised at my reaction because as I mentioned, I have been the one taking my return slow. But I haven't felt this good about things, spiritually, for a very long time. I'm not exactly where I want to be quite yet, but it is a huge step in the right direction. Things feel right.
I played the piano for the first time on Wednesday. It goes to show how much I've been out of the church loop, but I had forgotten they have mid-week activities for Relief Society. Weird. The lesson was on gardening, and I played "For the Beauty of the Earth." I thought it appropriate for the topic. My favorite thing about the lesson? The sub-topic on how to sprout things like wheat and mung beans in Mason jars. Oy vey. I wish I was a lot more crafty/resourceful/in tune with my sprouty side. I would have preferred a lesson on, "How to run a mile without falling over dead," or "How to make a skinny scarf to cover up the pregnancy fat that hasn't gone away yet and strangely, has accumulated on your neck." I guess it's a good thing I'm the one playing the piano and not planning the lessons.
5 comments:
I feel like I continually have to work for peace inside my heart. It's tough. I generally have to remember the simple things that make me happy, and all seems good again. I want to talk to you to see what you've done to feel more at peace and happy with all. I feel I have a lot I could learn from you!
Wow, we have more in common than I thought. I actually had my first meeting with my bishop last night and was scared out of my mind. You know, the meeting where you finally admit that you want to change your life around so you go in and tell them all the things you have done in the past few years and then wait very timidly for their response? I am definetly not able to hold a calling yet, but hopefully someday I will get there. I'm proud of you for trying to get reactivated for yourself, not because other people want you to, and that you're taking it slowly. That is what I am trying to do as well. I think it's great they have you playing the piano. Not only is it a great way to break back into the church "world", but it also helps you play the piano better, which can never be a bad thing. I find that for myself, music is a very spiritual thing. Sometimes I will sit for three hours at church on Sunday and the only time I felt the spirit at all was during a song. I wish you the best and hope you continue with what you're doing. We really need to go to lunch sometime or something!!!
You are a courageous person. I know the feeling you are talking about (but perhaps not to the same degree--I wouldn't have really called it "hate") where you have a really hard time forgiving someone. In my case, I felt a bit taken advantage of, and like a mistake that I made was someone else's fault (which it was, partly). Then I was talking with a friend about one of her family members who has struggled with a lifelong addiction to pornography, and he refuses to take the blame. He explains why everyone except him is responsible for his addiction, and he is the victim. I only later realized that I was partially taking on the "victim" line of reasoning myself, and that I partly had a hard time forgiving this person because forgiving the person would mean taking the appropriate amount of blame for myself, and absolving that person of the blame for my actions. Funny how once I allowed myself to be fully accountable for my choices, it was easy to forgive this person.
I admire you for taking the necessary, and difficult, steps to do what you feel is right. We all have those things, you know, and I hope you don't feel isolated like just because you have a baby and it's obvious what your "mistake" was, that you are somehow less righteous than everyone else. It is a powerful realization for me to look at the people I most admire and realize that they are great not because they have not made any big mistakes, but because they just keep repenting and trying to do better, even though they are weak like everyone else.
Yeah, "privacy makes this one possible" probably goes for a lot of the comments as well. :)
I have no words of wisdom, or anything really great to say except that I am proud of you. And, I'm still waiting on our lunch date. Miss you.
Em
Congrats on the new calling. That is a big step! I think that you are very smart to take things slowly, there is nothing to rush into. I really admire you for being the strong person that you are and for even "trying" to overcome the feelings that you are going through. A lot of people never do that because they feel so entitled to those feelings of hatred. You'll get there! I just got put in primary, makes me want to move... just kidding... sort of.
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